User Profile

 Good day folks, my name is Dave or David it has never mattered. This is place I go to write my thoughts and emotional struggles. I keep it open for people to read because it is rather anonymous. There is usually nothing interesting, but my twisted thoughts about how to avoid people. There is a complex explanation which deals with my life, but only I really need to know that. If you ask me I'll probably tell you, but it is rather boring. As you all can see, I don't have any friends, but that is simply because I don't trust people with these thoughts. I have another place for friends somewhere else. Well, take a look around.

Here is the story of my life in comical form:
I felt bad because I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet. So I asked the man, "Whatcha do with your shoes?"

Here are some jokes:

What is the most homophobic country?

Uragay!

Which country has the most gay couples?

Paragay!



YOU SHALL NOT BOTHER ME, SO DECREES THE HYPNOTOAD!

Oh, if you like my avatars, just copy them as needed. How do you think I got them?

At the risk of the same old stuff, I have decided that variety is beneficial to a stable and interesting journal. So,
against reason I have decided to post my "reasons not to date":

1. Because you find the constant use of the similies "Like" or "As" annoying.

2. Because you want your heavy wallet to be the only burden in your life.

3. Because despite their beauty and irrestible personality you know that hell wouldn't be far off.

4. Because you've tried prescribed medicine, but you're still allergic to nagging.

5. Because romantic movies don't just make you blush, they also make you vomit.

6. Because 1 in 500 women find you attractive which also means that 1 in 500 women are insane.

7. Because death would never come soon enough.

8. Because she dressed in a way to let you know she did sit ups this morning.

9. Because you don't have enough inner strength to make up for your physical strength.

10. Because life is worth living, not wasting.

11. Because although three is nice, two is crowd.

12. Because she might be blond (need I say more?)

13. Because some may say one is an odd number, but two is an odd couple.

14. Because your sanity is important to you.

15. Because heart transplant donors are hard to find.

16. Because if she is perfect for you, the ball and chain will be unbearably heavy.

17. Because the book, "The Lady or the Tiger" was titled wrong, it should have been the "The Tiger or the Tiger". (They'll both consume your life anyway.)

18. Because you don't bleed for anybody except the people at the blood bank.

19. Because in the eyes of a woman, you're always wrong.

20. Because you want you're soul intact when the relationship is over. (you'll need it for later when you come to your senses.)

21. Because life is an uphill battle already, why steepen the slope?

22. Because the love in a relationship is like being stung by a hornet, if you're allergic, you'll die.

23. Because your ear can only take approximately 0 comments about "her problems." (That's with a 0 margin of error)

24. Because eventually you have to die, and when you do, it was better to have zero kills then to be killed in numerous relationships.

25. Because she thinks undergarments belongs in public view; disregarding the fact that it is designed for under your clothes and out of view!

26. Because she thinks with her mammary glands and not her mind.

27. Because the idea of talking to her would be like riding the River Styx with no Charon to lead.

28. Because Kiss is a band and nothing else.

29. Because if it is true that love makes your heart melt, then you should probably try for a more heat resistant heart of stone.

30. Because if love is a rose with thorns, then you probably shouldn't pick it out of fear of Tetanus. (It is a killer, get your booster today!)

31. Because you didn't chose to study at the finest institutions to make mistakes in life.

32. Because the weight of another person on your arm may cause you to loose a leg as well.

33. Because whine wasn't on the menu.

34. Because a throbbing heart is a medical condition, not a compliment.

35. Because you'll win more arguments against yourself rather than against her.

36. Because unlike many men with girlfriends, you value your existence.

37. Because when you think of accessories, you think of a holster and bullets.

38. Because Dante didn't tell us everything about the 9th circle of hell.

39. Because if Edgar Allan Poe couldn't get any unrelated girls with his love letters, then what chance do you have?

40. Because if love blooms like the biggest and most beautiful flower on earth, then it smells like rotting flesh too. (Look up the Titan arum if you don't believe me.)

41. Because women are unpredictable, like so many deadly hurricanes and tornadoes, you never know when you're in the path of danger.

42. Because when naive men like you think of women as sweet, they always forget women like Boadicea or Lizzy Borden. (41 whacks with an ax would hurt....I think.)

43. Because the sun will still shine and stars will still glimmer at night if you don't date, but that might not be true if you start now.

44. Because the beauty of a woman is enticing like the sweet smell that attracts flys to certain doom in the Venus Flytrap. (Hey they call it Venus for a reason.)

45. Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and they still haven't been able to surgically remove it yet.

46. Because people take advantage of people all the time and you know that she'll take advantage of that fact.

47. Because it is as true in society as it is in the military that the sworn duty of all captives is to escape.

48. Because you could think of ten other victims that would be better suited for her.

50. Because whoever said, "no pain, no gain" never interacted with women.

51. Because most women don't realize that Don Juan is a fictional character.

52. Because the only women you ever need has four wheels, is Italian, and rhymes with Atari™. (Hey, who doesn't love that kind of fast lady?!)

53. Because you want to keep your Bachelor's degree intact.

54. Because the exchange of numbers can lead to the exchange of mouth fluids. (Ewwww.....doesn't humanity know restraint?)

55. Because nobody told Romeo about the other fish in the sea.

56. Because only the richest knights wore shining armor during the Middle Ages and you're as poor as Tiny Tim.

57. Because if life is like a box of chocolates, then dating her would be like eating that one piece everybody dislikes.

58. Because if love is like a song, just hope the single doesn't make it to the top of the charts.

59. Because gender-based slavery is wrong.

60. Because despite your affinity for dogs, you would prefer not to be led around like one.

61. Because humanity has come so far that you don't want to take a step back.

62. Because science can solve many problems, but not the one calling you incessantly from her cell phone.

63. Because cowardice is relative; all you need to do is find a place where remaining single would be venerated.

64. Because you like interest on your investment and affection doesn't pay the bills.

65. Because Faust might have only lost his soul, but you would lose your mind as well.

66. Because cave-ins are dangerous to miners and single men.

67. Because the fury of a woman makes a tortured death a whole lot more appealing

68. Because thousands of people a year die from being struck by lightning and you don't want to envy them.

69. Because she is "The Single Man's Burden".

70. Because eunuchs are the happiest people in the world.

71. Because you speak English and not a romance language.

72. Because love contributes to global warming by creating a heated atmosphere.

73. Because money doesn't grow on trees, but she doesn't know that.

74. Because like so many E. Coli cases, people just make you sick.

75. Because when your girlfriend points to a star, you're actually hoping that it's the dooms day meteorite .

76. Because a girlfriend would help you relate to Meatloaf when he says he's "praying for the end of time."

77. Because you're so outdated.

78. Because when Adam asked for a partner in the Garden of Eden, he didn't expect her to be so proactive about eating forbidden fruit.

79. Because most women are liberal and yet constantly claim to be right.

80. Because running away from your problems is only wrong to the wrong type of people.

81. Because you know you could tread water forever in the sea of life.

82. Because the ocean of life is calm now, why would you want choppy seas?

83. Because Danielle Steele has imposed standards too high for any man to achieve.

84. Because you don't run just to keep in shape, you're practicing for your first date.

85. Because the call of the wild doesn't mean listening to her call on you constantly.

86. Because if dark colors absorb heat and black holes absorb light, then the world of a brunette is a dark and cold place.

87. Because when she talks about how, "money is no obstacle to our love", she is subconciously telling you to get a job.

88. Because love is a full time job and you're on strike.

89. Because if you get married, you'll start voting in favor of euthanasia.

90.Because infectious mononucleosis is a disease and not a symbol of a love you shared.

91. Because Cupid doesn't fly around you anymore after what you did to one of his cherubs.

92. Because Valentine's day has been known for love, but also a massacre as well.

93. Because she'll manipulate your heart, like too much cholesterol.

94. Because Sweethearts candy don't increase the number of relationships, but instead, the number of diabetics. (Man, those yellow colored ones are awesome!)

95. Because love didn't prevent France from being occupied so many times in history.

96. Because you believe that your tongue should be the only tongue in your mouth.

97. Because you know that if you took her to a horror movie, you would be the one cowering under the seat.

98. Because the only time you make out is with the prices at the Dollar Store.

99. Because you've decided to live life for only one woman, the Fox Sports Network.

100. Because if I can think of 100 reasons why you shouldn't date then maybe you could spare her the trouble of using the word "no".

Please notify me if I have misspelled a word or used improper grammar, I am inept at both. I would like to thank all of the women I have and will meet for inspiring me to create this list.