Date: 2009-11-29 19:00 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

What stress plagues my days. I feel like relaxation is a sin which bears a heavy burden on my mind. At this moment I am attempting to write an essay for a professor I cannot stand. Not that he annoys me, but his grading system. I need structure when it comes to understanding essays and exams. A study guide for an exam is more specific than having a bunch of terms and telling them to write an ambiguous amount of information on each. I don't know any more and I am on the edge of a breakdown. My grandmother is in the hospital and the tumor in her head has grown exponentially causing pressure on the side of her brain which controls the movements of her left side. We don't know if she'll walk again. Today it has come to light that she might not be able to swallow. A day or two ago we thought she would at least be able to eat normally, but today, we don't know. My aunt, my mother and I agree that we want her to live with us instead of being put into a home. At this point, if we have to have a feeding tube or a wheel chair, we're willing to take on that challenge. Everyone in my family is upset and I have taken the responsibility of trying to be the strong person in the group. I must say that my strength will leave me if my grandmother dies or has to suffer. I could not bear to watch her go through that, but at the same time, I have to believe in God's will. Whatever God has in store, I have to rest her life in his capable hands. My mom told me something very memorable about my grandfather's death recently. She said that one of the doctors who helped him said after his fatal stroke, "its all in God's hands now, we're just playing with medicine now." It is a phrase which I will remember if this situation worsens. I don't know how this is going to play out. I am afraid of how I will handle this situation. I remember as a child knowing that my grandfather and my grandmother were older and might die some day. I used to make a mental list of the people I would cry from most to least. The top of my list was my grandmother followed by my mom and then my aunt and grandfather. When my grandfather died I was devastated and retracted from society. I remember playing video games for hours on end. At his funeral I tried to remain strong, but it was too much for me. I cried the hardest I have every cried in my entire life that day. After the ceremony I left the church and sat on a swing near the playground of the attached school. I remember being a zombie without emotion or cares about the world. I thought I would never recover, but I eventually did. Considering how much pain my grandfather's death caused me, I can only conjecture that my grandmother's death will destroy me. I used to think about my grandmother dying as a child and cry. I mean just thinking about her dying made me cry so how will I handle when she dies for real? I don't know, I try not to think about that, but the recent problem with my grandmother has brought forgotten emotions to the surface and I don't know if I can weather the storm. I just need to keep myself busy and trust in God that I will get through this prerequisite to an inevitable unforeseen future.

Date: 2009-11-08 19:34 Subject: LOVED OR UNLOVED? Security: Public

Another week has passed and I am unusually exhausted. I think I am coming down with a cold or some ridiculous curse of nature. I've been horribly stressed and tired, but mostly I've been thinking about my relationship with Elizabeth. I am torn inside between what I want and what is happening presently. Elizabeth is a wonderful woman who I love dearly, but I don't know if she appreciates me. I don't know if she really cares most of the time. I know in many ways that I am not the person who could get a girl easily. I know that when I was young I thought that dating was pointless. No girl would ever be my lover. I didn't know why women wouldn't like me, but just as I was about to give up my lovely Elizabeth arrives. I want her to be my soul mate too because I love her for her snappy personality. I love her because she's so caring and willing to take me into her arms once in a while and hold me. I love her because I know she'll always be there if I need her. I love her because she is someone who respects me (in her own twisted way). Through all these wonderful qualities, I still have doubts about her. I wonder how special I really am to her and whether I am just another guy she screwed and is obligated to love out of sympathy. When I met her in New York she wore this lingerie I had never seen before and so I asked where she got it. She told me she had used it with her previous boyfriend. I freaked out. I felt so worthless to her because in my eyes I was the leftover of something she had bought for someone else. So I ask myself a question during these times, what crosses the mind of one who has multiple sexual partners? I can't say, but I am fairly certain that they never think about something I've thought about since I was a teenager. Since I was young I wanted to live the Catholic dream of meeting a girl who valued sexuality as sacred and not just a means to an end. I wanted a girl who always thought of her soul mate even though he isn't there yet. Every day of my life leading up to the past year I had thought about my soul mate and loved her even though I had never met her. In the evenings, before I left for Jordan, I used to kneel in Church late at night and pray for my soul mate's happiness. I would ask God to protect her and keep her safe from people who were out to hurt her. I would even pray that, if I never meet her, she would live a happy life with someone who could love her more than me. I would pray hard for this unseen woman accompanied by a novena for her. After a while, I became fed up with waiting and I decided to stop caring all together about her. I made a pact that I would never make an effort to meet a girl and the trip to Jordan would be the primary test. When I went to Oxford, I had heard that there were fewer people and thus I would make more friends. I assumed that avoiding people would be easy in Jordan considering the larger group. In Oxford I had only 15 or less people in my study abroad. In Jordan I had over 60 people in the first semester and over 100 in the second semester. I was ready to disappear and do my thing while the rest of the group would waste their lives away in booze. I mean I had a rough idea from Oxford that the national past time of college kids on a study abroad were drinking and getting with the natives. I had traveled a lot by myself in Oxford because I hated my group for their Monday pub nights and overall distaste for art and culture. I simply studied, acquired some culture and left Oxford without a regret in the world (except meeting that damn crazy 38 year old Evangelical man). Bah, I've gone way off the topic, but it doesn't matter anyway.

Date: 2009-10-25 14:30 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Another hard day, I can't help but feel stressed, tired, and overworked. Today I attempted to help with loading pallets of pavers we had previously taken from the backyard patio. After loading two and a half pallets, my back went out and I sprained or strained something. Yeah, I am in pain right now and not very comfortable. Late yesterday (I mean 3am late), I realized that I have my final exam to complete for my Age of Augustine class. I had totally blanked on it and instead I researched for my Early Modern Period class. In addition to all this, I am having some doubts about Elizabeth. I feel that I always have to be the one to call her lately. She never calls me anymore which makes me think that she just doesn't care. The day before yesterday I was so in love with her (and I thought she was in love with me too). She told me sweet things as usually and said she would call me when she woke up at around 12pm. Now I remembered this through the entire night and when I woke up around the same time there was no call. I waited some more until 1pm and then 2pm and then I became impatient. I mean I don't think I ask too much for her to call me when says she'll call me. I don't know any more, she gets on my nerves some times to such an extent that I feel like I just want to throw the whole relationship and let her find some other guy. Oh yes, after this relationship, I want nothing to do with women. Not that I would lose any attraction to women, but more to the point of not associating with women again. Speaking of other guys, I've been thinking about this other guy who "got with her" in Jordan named Forrest. Oh did I look at his Facebook profile last night and want to go medieval on his ass (and I know medieval being a historian). At the same time I recalled something Elizabeth said to me about the situation with Forrest and that was "she wanted it to happen". She wanted to get with Forrest in my apartment and once again torture me.

I mean I feel that in many ways this relationship is just another part of my life where someone has taken advantage of me. I am a sucker for people who are not happy. Elizabeth doesn't know how to show that she really loves me and I don't know how she could possibly could prove it. I mean I told her that I was in love with her and although it was a little soon it was at least before we sleep together. After I told her that I loved her, a few months later, she got with another man before my very eyes and didn't have a second thought except when I had to make her see how much that hurt me. It still doesn't register to her up to this very day how much she hurt me that night. I remember when I was young and camping with my substitute father Phil and sitting alone around a campfire crying because I didn't have a dad. The pain I felt when I saw Elizabeth get with that guy was something very close to what I felt at that camp site. Both were instances where I felt betrayed and unloved when I needed trust and love most. I don't think I will ever forget the instance of sitting at the campsite out of my mind as long as I live, but it will be equally difficult for me to expunge the image of Elizabeth getting with that guy on my couch in Jordan. I believed that Elizabeth could have been my soul mate, but that one instance shattered any faith that I had. I have tried to regain that feeling of love for Elizabeth ever since, but it has been almost impossible. I was literally sick and I remember vividly how I knelt on the ground and cried for the first time in many years. I was sick and even though I was intoxicated, it was not the alcohol that had caused such queasiness. It was the sheer shock of seeing someone I loved and trusted with all my heart destroying me. I had told her I loved her and this is how she thinks of me? She proved several things to me that night, I wasn't lovable or likable, but I was gullible. As I write this I recall the feeling of that evening like it was yesterday and I cannot help but feel tears form in my eyes. I feel like someone shoved a knife into my heart and twisted the blade so that the wound won't heal. Elizabeth has no faith which is why I am convinced she did what did that night. She didn't have faith in me and what I was willing to offer her. All I wanted was to love her at one time,I just wanted her to be happy and successful. I wanted to contribute to her well being and make her a more confident woman. I didn't want people to take advantage of her and even though she didn't love me, I still wanted the best for her. My love for her was so pure and could have sustained itself without sexuality. I honest to God fell in love like I had never fallen in love before. That one night though, a single evening of lust, destroyed much affection I had for her. All the hopes and faith I had put in her vanished after December of 2005. I don't know if I will ever regain that pure and most beautiful love I had for Elizabeth. In many ways, I feel defeated by how I keep this in my heart. How I always use that one evening as a reminder of her capacity for pain. I try to fight that one instance of betrayal and I felt to have won some victory sometimes. I regret the actions that followed her engagement that night. I forgave her too soon, I made it easy on her instead of asking her to never talk to me again. I wouldn't have cared about that night so much had I just parted ways with her. Instead I stayed for reasons I can't explain. Instead I sit here saddened and ask myself questions which appear to have clear answers. I only choose not to acknowledge those answers. If I had not seen her with my own eyes get with that man, I wouldn't have cared. I would have still loved her even though I would been only be a little hurt, but she did this in front of my face. It was my apartment, my home she performed sexual acts with this man. I don't know what to do, I was hoping this would fade with time. I also have to wonder, is this woman really what I want? Do I want someone who has been brought up to think of sexuality as nothing? Can someone who thinks of sexuality so flippantly be a person I could live my life with? I don't know, but I fear the answer of my formed conscience.

Date: 2009-09-14 01:26 Subject: Unpleasant Night Security: Public

Ever since my grandfather died several years ago, I have had a hard time showing emotion. Although my grandfather was difficult during the end of his life, I still loved him dearly. When he passed away it was like losing a father figure, someone I could look up to. Today I live with my aunt, my mom, and my 94 year old grandmother. My grandmother in particular is becoming increasingly difficult. My grandmother's aging brain was something new to me when I returned from the Middle East in May. I had a hard time handling it. Sometimes I found my emotions so uncontrollable that I would cry. Not to the extent of sobbing, but small tears would involuntarily run down my face. Tonight was one of these nights which was more difficult than usual. It was half an hour ago and I was down stairs watching my usual crude comedy when I heard the friction of grandmother's walker against the hard kitchen floor. I could either assume my aunt was taking care of her or that she was alone upstairs and would try to fix herself some food. Either way, it would be harmless to go upstairs to see what was going on. As I suspected, she was alone and trying to get food so I told her to sit down. I cut up two rolls for her. I then sat next to her and watched her eat them. My grandmother has a hard time using regular utensils, so the eating was slow and methodical. As I watched her I remembered the time before I left for Jordan. I remembered my grandmother's sparkle and glow she would relate to every member in the family each day. The woman was spunky and full of life with her words. She used to do the New York Times crossword puzzle every Sunday and the regular puzzle produced by the Star Tribune every day. Her brain was a sacred temple, always clean, always sharp, always containing some quip to feed a starving mind. My mind was always starving and so were the people of this household, but this lighthearted segment of history ingrained in my mind has deteriorated. A dark cloud now hung over the house where a bluer sky once stood. I know I will never get that woman I knew from before I left for Jordan. I know that she is gone until I see her again someday when I die. It hurts to know that my grandmother is becoming senile. I never thought I would have to use such a word to describe my grandparents. I never used the word with my grandfather. He died in a less senile state than will my grandmother. Even at this very moment, the pain caused by such a realization is too difficult to handle. This pain continued with each bite from the rolls. I asked her several questions while she was eating in order to convince myself that she was not senile. I asked her what year it was and she guessed 1939. I could feel a small tear growing in my eye, gathering and growing until it would run down my cheek. I tried to suppress it, but with no avail. I could not face my grandmother and when she was done, I immediately helped her from the chair and walked her back to her bedroom and covered her up. I told her I loved her and she didn't respond. I told her again that I loved her and she finally responded in kind. I turned off the light in her room and ran to my bed. Many more tears had appeared since the first rolled down my cheek while she was eating. I could not hold them back any longer and I gasped for air as though I had just been choked.

Date: 2009-09-03 05:03 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Another day has passed and another is about to arrive. I have quite a few problems in my life at the moment. School is starting and I have to organize my life so that I may graduate. I aim to graduate next semester if I can do well in my classes. They are all mostly history classes, so I pray I can work hard enough to earn the necessary grades. In addition, my uncle has recently contracted Prostate cancer. He has been going through radiation therapy for a while and I am very distressed about his condition. On top of that, his wife or my aunt recently found out she has breast cancer. My uncle is at stage 3 or 4 while my aunt is at lower stage. I have yet to find out which stage that is, but I pray she doesn't hurt herself. I can't help but feel rather sad because it was my uncle who always took me fishing and sometimes camping (though rarely). His wife was a wonderfully generous and loving companion to my uncle who is kind of harsh. In contrast, she is soft and settling and a perfect match for him. I can't help but feel sad for their situation because they are and were a big part of family gatherings such as Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, etc.

I think I worry too much about things in general such as Elizabeth, but I try to give people room to work. I am starting to have doubts about her in general. I mean I don't feel special and I don't know if I will ever feel special with her. I have never had sex before Elizabeth and I was sure that I would share that experience with a woman of equal inexperience. Elizabeth has had numerous experiences with men which she has used as technicalities. "Getting with someone" and the actual act of sex. She has had two boyfriends before me and has had sex with them. I can't help but think that I am just another individual she can molest and tear apart. She teased me quite harshly in the beginning and although I gave back what she delivered, the act of one night in December still haunts me. It is painful because I was in love with her and I should have realized that she was the type of person who thinks less of sexuality than I do. I think I might have to leave her soon, but I worry about being alone again and whether I would be making a mistake. I can't be with her any further unless she proves to me in some way that I am different. The problem is that I am inexperienced with women and relationships so I can't be sure what she could do. Well I'll have to figure something out or else I will have to break up with her.

Date: 2009-08-25 03:39 Subject: Loveable and dangerous... Security: Public

It has been a while since I have written to myself in this journal. A rapid shift has occurred in my life which brings me to a course which might lead me to ruin or salvation. I visited Jordan and much of the western half of the Middle East. I tasted culture and cuisine which was my one and only goal for this past trip. I visited my Uncle Chuck in New York on the way back to Minnesota, but of all my souvenirs, the one that surprised me the most was an innocent looking young woman named Elizabeth. I was convinced that I would be strong enough to throw away the female dilemma, but alas, I was unable to veer away from women. I blame my own weaknesses for loving my dear Elizabeth. I did as I have done before with women and attempted to leave her at various times, but she refused to allow me an easy exit. I didn't wish it initially, but eventually, I loved her. I loved and continue to love her with an intensity that I do not understand. regardless of what I feel, I am still on guard because of what has become of such utopias of the past have bred.

Date: 2008-11-07 02:46 Subject: . Security: Public

I have been particularly depressed lately in my life, but tonight I was finally crushed. For a few weeks to about a month I have been friends with this girl. At first I was not the least bit attracted to her. I saw her as an outlet I could use for being weird and nonsensical. She had a boyfriend which kept me at a healthy distance. A few days to about a week ago she decided to break up with him. I decided to try to help her by trying to support her. During a Halloween Party, I heard she was depressed and had done some rather questionable things. This event only furthered my resolve to help her and thus I began to have feelings for her. I tried to spend more time with her in order to help dissolve any distress that might arise because of her tragic break-up. She seemed to appreciate it and I thought that she cared for me in the same way I had for her. Apparently I was wrong because she is dating another Arab fellow from the region. What a fool I have been, but now that it seems she's okay, so I think I will gradually break away from her. I talked with her on the phone today and it was rather difficult to tell her I was glad she was going out with this guy. I was actually rather crushed because I had thought she was the type to just want promiscuous sex and yet this guy seems a lot like me. He apparently doesn't want sex, but just wants to tell her nice things. Oh well, I'm crushed again, but I'll survive. I think I just need to stop caring and not see her again which is my next plan. I pray that any relationship we had will erode with the passage of time.

Date: 2008-11-03 23:12 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I don't know what to do anymore. Certainly I expected that I had overcome my overwhelming affection for the opposite sex. They say that one shouldn't place a woman on a pedestal and yet at this very moment I can't help but think that I am. I was friends with this young lady for a few weeks and we exchanged insults. I thought that I would be unable to like her beyond mere friendship. I cannot be around her anymore without caring about her. I don't want to feel the way I feel now and I am resolved to make every effort to suppress it. My contemplations lead me to conclude that I must shed this woman from my life. My feelings are strong, but I do not think they are reciprocated. I will do what is necessary to become a reclusive entity and not get involved with anyone on this trip. I shall be a dot or ant on the grand scheme of this program. I have my own goals and life to live, nothing in this world can stop me!! I shall not let it!!

Date: 2008-10-31 23:34 Subject: A Halloween revelation.... Security: Public

Tonight was halloween and I attempted to be social with a group of individuals I did and do not understand. Yes I indulged in some intoxicating libations which I now regret. I am not drunk which is a positive aspect of this night. I am relaxed, but not to an extreme level. My roommates are another case, which involved Andrew being thoroughly intoxicated. I was attempting to use the restroom and Andrew in his state of mind, opens the door. I was embarrassed and quite humiliated. I hate him now and will do what is necessary to make his life a living hell. I realized at the party that I had missed nothing these past four years of college. The parties, the drinking, and the women were all but a bore when there is so much more to appreciate in such a rich world. This night was a new revelation to me, I realized my age and state of mind. I am not as young as I was back when I was studying in Oxford. I am 23 and have gained much experience of life and culture so far. I used to value the people in this program, but things have changed and people have changed. I see them as juvenile and petty individuals who view life from a skewed morality. I don't care for them anymore, but I will do my Christian duty. I now vow to help them in any way I can, but remain detached. I will not expect anything from them and discourage friendship with me. I am more determined than ever to achieve a reclusive existence for the remainder of this program.

Date: 2008-10-26 23:33 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I sit here before you again with a frustrated existence weighing my will to go on. Of the many confrontations I have experienced in my life, the one a few seconds ago ranks high on the effectiveness scale. I mean to say, it irritated me thoroughly because of how poorly it was handled. First of all, I admit to being a man who lacks will (once in a while). Sometimes I tend to behave a bit too relaxed towards the work that needs to be done which annoys the diligent people who inhabit this planet. These diligent people I refer to are the "go-getters" of the universe, always striving for success and meaning to their lives. I admire this trait in many people, but sometimes it can be particularly annoying. For every superman (or woman) there is a Kryptonite. This flaw or weakness in the "go-getter" personality is rooted in the handling of people like me who are laid back and relaxed. So as a gentleman of diplomacy and comradery I give you my laws for handling B-type personalities.

The most important thing to realize is that people like me need to be asked gently right from the get-go. If you establish that you have no intention of asking nicely and at least pretending to want peace, you shall receive no cooperation. Your desired response will not be achieved and instead you shall meet harsh resistance. This sometimes means that you must descend to the level of the person you wish to manipulate. What I mean is that you must try to empathize with what he or she is like. Think of a B-type personality like an apathetic marshmallow that sits on the table and enjoys being stale. Never eaten, the marshmallow stays alive because of its repulsive nature to the human palate. In the same way, a B-type personality often veers away from a social existence when he or she can. Instead a B-type personality enjoys sitting alone in a Japanese garden enjoying the sights and smells of nature.

Date: 2008-10-24 01:09 Subject: A night to not remember.... Security: Public

I have to ask myself at this very moment why. Why am I here in this country at this time sitting before a computer typing away useless words? I am tired and exhausted and attempting to stave my anger towards the very roommates who persist to test my generous patience. At this very moment my Rugby obsessed Roommate Andrew is sitting in his room surrounded by drunken comrades spouting an unintelligible language. I don't know if he joins in their intoxication, but I would not be surprised if he did.

My other roommate named Abraham is sitting in the "living room" with his friends eating popcorn and laughing. His friends are rather confusing individuals who I try not to understand. A young lady of robust figure joins them in the other room molding an atmosphere which can only be described as toxic to those who are intolerant of a conceited nature. Abraham himself is a man for the moment. His flamboyant nature begs the question to whether or not he will proceed with his seemingly inevitable destiny to explore other realms of sensual pleasure with the same sex. In addition, he is tremendously particular about his wants and needs. I have been feeding an innocent cat which comes to our door to get food every once in a while. Thinking of his own inconvenience, Abraham decidedly threatened me to get me to stop feeding the cat. I thought many times during my much needed walk about methods of murdering Abraham. Of course I would never perform such an action due to the legal ramifications which would descend upon me and my interpretation of justice. I shall tolerate him to the end of the semester and then purge myself of his existence.

I quietly reflect at the situation at hand and begin to think thoughts which are never becoming of gentlemen. Of course the time has passed for a gentlemen to rise to the occasion and prescribe to his fellow men right action. Instead what is done must be tolerated

Date: 2008-10-22 18:58 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

It sure has been a while since I wrote in this thing. It doesn't seem to matter to me either now. I had so many hopes and dreams in my life about being successful and yet at this very moment they are all diminished. It has come to one existence today, depression. At this very moment my life is trapped in a vast chasm with no apparent way out. I have to keep my thoughts up in order to escape the decline of will to live. I have been sleeping quite a bit lately and eating less. As I walked home from class today I almost fainted because I hadn't eaten before class. I had to sit and rest which was unusual considering the fact that in the past several months I had rigorously walked back from class. I have asked myself why I came to this country and why I thought I could learn this very foreign language. I had never taken Arabic before and I had thought I could handle it. I thought that since Latin had come to me so easily, I would naturally be able to handle all languages. Of course I never considered the reality that I had performed poorly in Spanish in high school or that quite a bit of the English language is derived from Latin. This had never entered my intellect because my bloated pride had choked any sort of logical reasoning from my mind. Right now I am performing poorly in my Arabic class. I am honest with myself that Arabic does not come easily and resolved with the fact that I am not a worldly linguist. I must accept the grade I receive and make the best of this apparent disaster.

Date: 2008-07-27 06:50 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

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Date: 2008-07-21 06:18 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Another long period of time without writing my thoughts down and much contemplation has taken place. A new chapter in my life is about to unfold and I am about to arrive at yet another threshold. Whether I take the necessary steps to cross this difficult passage is reliant upon my ability to be successful on my upcoming venture. Yes, I've probably already told you about the trip to Amman. The capital city of Jordan in the Middle East. I'm turning 23 soon and I have to again reflect again where my life is leading me. I frequently visit a chat which I am beginning to realize has no virtue or truth in it. I have had several encounters with females on the chat and maintained close relationships with them. My current girl is nothing like the ones I have met before. I don't share many interests with her and yet I love her. I don't know why I give so much meaning to words, but I honestly feel something for her. Looking back to my first encounter so many months ago, I can only wish I had the ignorance about companionship I had back then. I had never had such strong feelings before, but nonetheless recovered and yearned for more of the same. How could I be so stupid to have fallen for love's trap so easily? I'm not worried though, I shall drown this overwhelming urge to meet my better half with work. Feelings are a powerful thing and dulling them will be a hard task. For now though, I shall play along with love's little game until I can separate myself from its grasp.

Date: 2008-07-05 07:27 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I haven't written in here for a while, but I have a feeling that is about to change. Well my life is about to go through another transition. I will be hardened to many aspects of life again as I was in Europe, but hopefully this time, I shall use it as a benefit. Oh hell!!! I'm being vague again, I know, I should say right out where and when I'm going instead of elaborately displaying my feelings. Yes, I am going on another study abroad tour to the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan in the Middle East. Yup, over the past few months and weeks I had thought to go to the Middle East. I need One last adventure to cure this insatiable urge to see so much before I buckle down and endure almost a decade of graduate studies. I yearn to go to places I haven't been before and where other people fear to travel. Yet through it all, I am like any other human, afraid of the unknown. This fear of what is yet to be known is accompanied by a great respect and interest for the region and its culture. I hope to better understand what has been misunderstood for so long. I don't know if I will change the world in some way by exposing myself to such a different culture, but at the least, i hope to change myself.

Date: 2008-01-16 07:32 Subject: Definition of Love Security: Public

I have finally been able to define romantic "Love" once and for all. Love is a passion for another's existence.

Date: 2008-01-14 00:21 Subject: Old Habits Need to Die Hard Security: Public

I can't escape, I'm trapped and I want to just slip away. I didn't want lives to clash, I wanted to separate my online life from my real life. I can't anymore, the permanent account that is my facebook is now invaded by people from both worlds. My email address is invaded by people from both realities. This is the last outpost for me, a place I can stay and find a home for my lost thoughts to reside. I want to escape again this internet world that hurts so much like the real world. The words and thoughts of people have become as sensitive as they are in reality where I try to remain hidden. I am good at that, remaining illusive and unknown, people don't bother and I prefer it. This place is different, I am much more active and strong. Now though I have been hurt again, somebody said something and it got to me for the first time. I laid that guard down and I was hurt again. I am restless and I think I need to leave a few accounts to gather dust. Tomorrow is a new day and I intend to make it productive unlike the last few weeks of vacation. No more will I intend to align myself with the unproductive activities of facebook and chatango. I'm breaking away and starting a new day.

Date: 2008-01-13 05:54 Subject: Ignorance is Truly Bliss Security: Public

I was so confused a while ago about love and what it meant. I now know another fact about love, it hurts to let go. For a few weeks now I have been trying to console an aching heart. At the expense of my own heart, I loved this woman and I tried to be there for her. Now things have changed. People have changed, specifically me. A woman who once pushed her husband out of the way because she didn't want to hurt him now agreed to meet him. At the time, I perceive that he left partially because he could not handle her disease, but she also pushed him away. So this left her aching and so I came into the picture through some divine providence. When I saw her aching heart I knew I needed to help her. So I befriended her, I supported her during her toughest trials. Now I have to let her go. I know that she will go back to him if he doesn't screw up their meeting. It hurts more than I expected to have given her this advice. The ignorance I once knew so well in dating, has begun to vanish and I know what it feels like to be loved and to love romantically. This loneliness I never really knew or bothered to notice has become all too real. I hate this feeling that burns within me, that tortures my soul, this loss of love for another person makes me reflect upon whether I would be happy being alone. After all this, I now believe the old adage that ignorance is bliss.